Over 100 Funny Dirty One Liners

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What beats dirty funny one liners when the moment is just right? Certainly nothing at all when you have these funny dirty one liners ready to go!

A recent survey shows that sperm banks beat blood banks in contributions…HANDS DOWN!

If you force sex on a prostitute, is it rape or shoplifting? you choose.

Q: What did the hard boiled egg say to the boiling water?

A: I can’t get a hard-on because I was just layed.

Q: What is Moby Dick’s dad’s name?

A: Papa Boner

Q: How do you make a pool table laugh?

A: Tickle its balls

Q: What do u call hooker that likes in in her ass?

A: a crack whore

Q: What do you call a dictionary on drugs?

A: addictionary.

Q: Did you hear about the hitman who’s also a janitor at the aquarium?

A: He sweeps with the fishes!

Q: Did you hear that the energizer bunny was arrested?

A: He was charged with battery.

Q: How do you eat a squirrel?

A: You spread its little legs.

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?

A: Art

Q: Why did the snowman smile?

A: Because the snowblower is coming.

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, “Please send me a sister.”

Santa Clause wrote him back, “Ok, send me your mother.”

Q: Why is Santa so jolly?

A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Q: Why doesn’t Santa have any kids?

A: He only comes once a year.

Q: Did you hear about the junkie that was addicted to brake fluid?

A: He said he could stop anytime

Roses are red that much is true

but violets are purple not fucking blue.

Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say “don’t” and if he touches your pussy say “stop”?

Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said “don’t stop”

After 20 years of marriage, I still get blow jobs.

If my wife finds out, she’ll f**king kill me.

Did you hear about that kid that had sex with his teacher?

Yeah, he recently died from hi-fiving.

Whenever I have a one night stand, I always use protection.

A fake name and a fake number.

It would be a lot easier to be a hard worker if my company didn’t block access to porn sites on the internet.

How many guys can participate in a gang bang before it’s gay?

The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word ‘Facial’ is used.

Women fake orgasms to have relationships. Men fake relationships to have orgasms.

A vagina is like the weather. Once its wet, it’s time to go inside

Have you heard of the new movie called “Constipation”? It hasn’t come out yet.

I wonder if Asians put their smileys like this ¦)

I’d like to point out that ‘beautiful’ has u in it. But, ‘quickie’ has u & i together.

When Hugh Hefner dies, will he really be going to a better place?

I got raped by an alligator the other day. I think I have gatoraids.

Roses are red. Nuts are round. Skirts go up. Panties go down. Belly to belly. Skin to skin. When it’s stiff, stick it in.

Sex, drugs, rock & roll; speed, weed, & birth control. Life’s a bitch and then you die, so fuck the world and lets get high!

I’m trying to write a joke about unemployed people… But it needs more work

A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. ‘Do you want a bag?’, the cashier asks ‘No’, the guy says, ‘she’s not that ugly’

Relationships used to be X’s an O’s , now its just Exes and Hoes…

Diarrhea is hereditary, it runs in your jeans.

It sucks to be a penis because your roommates are nuts, your neighbor is an ass hole, your best friend is a pussy, and your owner strangles you every night until you throw up!

Why is it called “taking a dump” when you are leaving one!

I wish I had parents like Dora. They let that b*tch go everywhere.

A PENIS is the lightest thing in the world. Even a thought can raise it.

Real men don’t wear pink, they eat it.

A pervert walks over to this sorority girl, he said “Bend over and spell run.”

So she bent over next thing she new there was a sharp pain she said “R U N”

The perverted guy said “As far as I can go.”

Scientists say the average size of the male penis has gone down to 5 inches. This just shows how big the Chinese population is getting.